Somebody asked me "Does he deserve a second chance?"
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My answer is.......... (drum roll) nope. No one DESERVES a second chance but all of us can GET one. I believe you can get chances because it is given to you by the person whom you have sinned. Deserve is inappropriate to use if you haven't earned anything. And when it comes to a person who cheated, he didn't earn anything, he lost everything. So no, nobody deserves it.
I have answered the question above and if I end it right here my blog would be this short so let's just talk about - when to give second chances?
Giving second chances to people who broke your trust is a very difficult decision to make.
I can't really provide to you an answer because situation varies and obviously the answer will still be up to you. But here are the things you have to consider before giving someone a second chance:
1. Is this the first time he has cheated on you?
No one is perfect. He might have slipped on this one. But it still depends to what extent the affair went. If the affair wasn't serious and you know your partner as a good person and did not intend to do what he did, it is most likely that you will give him another chance.
2. Determine if the act was a one time thing or multiple-times and if it is sex only or if it includes emotional connection or financial negotiation.
Sex only
Are you not having enough physical intimacy that led him into getting it from somebody else?
Emotional Connection
If this is the case you might want to be a little worried because something that has an emotional foundation is hard to break. Is he going through difficulties that you have failed to help him? Have you grown distant with each other for him to seek out help from others?
Financial Negotiation
If he is open to provide sexual services in exchange for money, properties or gifts you might want to ask yourself if this is the kind of guy you want to be with.
3. Did he cheat in your early stages of relationship?
If he cheated on you within the first to two years of your relationship, you might wanna think twice if you'd like to consider him in your future. If he can cheat on you on the "romance stage" of your relationship, how much more for the next years to come? If he cheats on you during those early times how about the time when he is fully comfortable with you which will only occur at the "stability stage" of a relationship?
4. Is he a serial cheater?
Did he cheat during his past relationships too? If he did, you might want to get a time off on your relationship. If someone has the habit of doing something it won't be easy for him to just change in an instant. Nobody in the entire universe can change a habit overnight. Just like a person who has been using drugs for sometime, it will be difficult for him to just stop. They need to rehabilitate themselves for them to move forward, same goes with a relationship. Someone can't change when he is still in the relationship, like a drug user can't improve himself when he is still using drugs. It is better for the two of you to give the relationship a space while the other is improving himself to be a better partner to you. If ever you gave him another chance without rehabilitating him, it would be easy for him to just do it again.
5. Does he fully understand the pain he has brought to you?
It is important for him to understand the whole situation. It isn't only about the sex but also the betrayal he has done to you. It is also crucial that he recognize that cheating is a major problem and not a mere fault. It isn't just a simple fault of forgetting to do the dishes at home, it is cheating. It is essential to let him know that there will be changes on the way he acts with other women and also within the two of you, changes that can help improve the relationship.
6. Can you forgive him? Do you believe you can trust him again?
It doesn't have to be today but you have to figure out if you can truly forgive and trust him again in the future. Do you think your relationship is worth fighting for? Do you think your relationship is worth the effort? Do you believe that he will never betray you again? Can you handle the situation? People will talk and put an issue. They might tell you that you are a fool. Are these hurtful words that will be thrown to you worth your stress for him? People will judge your relationship. Do you think he is worth your agony?
7. Did he take responsibility of being unfaithful?
It is important that he takes responsibility on his actions. He should never blame the other party for seducing him not the alcohol or drugs they took. He should accept the fact that he committed a mistake and is willing to work on building your trust back again.
4. Is he a serial cheater?
Did he cheat during his past relationships too? If he did, you might want to get a time off on your relationship. If someone has the habit of doing something it won't be easy for him to just change in an instant. Nobody in the entire universe can change a habit overnight. Just like a person who has been using drugs for sometime, it will be difficult for him to just stop. They need to rehabilitate themselves for them to move forward, same goes with a relationship. Someone can't change when he is still in the relationship, like a drug user can't improve himself when he is still using drugs. It is better for the two of you to give the relationship a space while the other is improving himself to be a better partner to you. If ever you gave him another chance without rehabilitating him, it would be easy for him to just do it again.
5. Does he fully understand the pain he has brought to you?
It is important for him to understand the whole situation. It isn't only about the sex but also the betrayal he has done to you. It is also crucial that he recognize that cheating is a major problem and not a mere fault. It isn't just a simple fault of forgetting to do the dishes at home, it is cheating. It is essential to let him know that there will be changes on the way he acts with other women and also within the two of you, changes that can help improve the relationship.
6. Can you forgive him? Do you believe you can trust him again?
It doesn't have to be today but you have to figure out if you can truly forgive and trust him again in the future. Do you think your relationship is worth fighting for? Do you think your relationship is worth the effort? Do you believe that he will never betray you again? Can you handle the situation? People will talk and put an issue. They might tell you that you are a fool. Are these hurtful words that will be thrown to you worth your stress for him? People will judge your relationship. Do you think he is worth your agony?
7. Did he take responsibility of being unfaithful?
It is important that he takes responsibility on his actions. He should never blame the other party for seducing him not the alcohol or drugs they took. He should accept the fact that he committed a mistake and is willing to work on building your trust back again.
And if you have answered all these questions and you still have the urge to give him another chance then it is your decision to make. Be sure if you start over again to clearly talk about the pre-existing problems in your relationship and come up to a solution to avoid making another mistake again. Remember that forgiveness isn't for him, it is for you. It allows you to move forward and let's you start anew. But it doesn't mean that if you have forgiven someone, you are gonna get back together. You can still forgive and go on separate ways too.
KEEP IN MIND:
If you have decided to keep him in your life be sure that your purpose is: you want to improve your relationship with him and you truly love each other. Some people decide to give cheaters a chance for their pride's sake. They want to get their partner back to prove to other people they aren't the woman who got fooled but the woman who made him stay - even he already cheated. If your purpose is to prove something to others, you dismissed the true meaning of love in the relationship.
Disclaimer: I am not a relationship or marriage expert. I wrote this base on research and observation of different love relationships.
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