Life Under Construction: April 2015

Who deserve a Second Chance?

By Kimberlene Ericka - 12:03:00 AM

Somebody asked me "Does he deserve a second chance?"

(Photo from Google)

My answer is.......... (drum roll) nope. No one DESERVES a second chance but all of us can GET one. I believe you can get chances because it is given to you by the person whom you have sinned. Deserve is inappropriate to use if you haven't earned anything. And when it comes to a person who cheated, he didn't earn anything, he lost everything. So no, nobody deserves it.

I have answered the question above and if I end it right here my blog would be this short so let's just talk about - when to give second chances?

Giving second chances to people who broke your trust is a very difficult decision to make.

I can't really provide to you an answer because situation varies and obviously the answer will still be up to you. But here are the things you have to consider before giving someone a second chance:

1. Is this the first time he has cheated on you?

No one is perfect. He might have slipped on this one. But it still depends to what extent the affair went. If the affair wasn't serious and you know your partner as a good person and did not intend to do what he did, it is most likely that you will give him another chance.

2. Determine if the act was a one time thing or multiple-times and if it is sex only or if it includes emotional connection or financial negotiation.

Sex only

Are you not having enough physical intimacy that led him into getting it from somebody else?

Emotional Connection

If this is the case you might want to be a little worried because something that has an emotional foundation is hard to break. Is he going through difficulties that you have failed to help him? Have you grown distant with each other for him to seek out help from others?

Financial Negotiation

If he is open to provide sexual services in exchange for money, properties or gifts you might want to ask yourself if this is the kind of guy you want to be with.

3. Did he cheat in your early stages of relationship?

If he cheated on you within the first to two years of your relationship, you might wanna think twice if you'd like to consider him in your future. If he can cheat on you on the "romance stage" of your relationship, how much more for the next years to come? If he cheats on you during those early times how about the time when he is fully comfortable with you which will only occur at the "stability stage" of a relationship?

4. Is he a serial cheater?

Did he cheat during his past relationships too? If he did, you might want to get a time off on your relationship. If someone has the habit of doing something it won't be easy for him to just change in an instant. Nobody in the entire universe can change a habit overnight. Just like a person who has been using drugs for sometime, it will be difficult for him to just stop. They need to rehabilitate themselves for them to move forward, same goes with a relationship. Someone can't change when he is still in the relationship, like a drug user can't improve himself when he is still using drugs. It is better for the two of you to give the relationship a space while the other is improving himself to be a better partner to you. If ever you gave him another chance without rehabilitating him, it would be easy for him to just do it again.

5. Does he fully understand the pain he has brought to you?

It is important for him to understand the whole situation. It isn't only about the sex but also the betrayal he has done to you. It is also crucial that he recognize that cheating is a major problem and not a mere fault. It isn't just a simple fault of forgetting to do the dishes at home, it is cheating. It is essential to let him know that there will be changes on the way he acts with other women and also within the two of you, changes that can help improve the relationship.

6. Can you forgive him? Do you believe you can trust him again?

It doesn't have to be today but you have to figure out if you can truly forgive and trust him again in the future. Do you think your relationship is worth fighting for? Do you think your relationship is worth the effort? Do you believe that he will never betray you again? Can you handle the situation? People will talk and put an issue. They might tell you that you are a fool. Are these hurtful words that will be thrown to you worth your stress for him? People will judge your relationship. Do you think he is worth your agony?

7. Did he take responsibility of being unfaithful?

It is important that he takes responsibility on his actions. He should never blame the other party for seducing him not the alcohol or drugs they took. He should accept the fact that he committed a mistake and is willing to work on building your trust back again.

And if you have answered all these questions and you still have the urge to give him another chance then it is your decision to make. Be sure if you start over again to clearly talk about the pre-existing problems in your relationship and come up to a solution to avoid making another mistake again. Remember that forgiveness isn't for him, it is for you. It allows you to move forward and let's you start anew. But it doesn't mean that if you have forgiven someone, you are gonna get back together. You can still forgive and go on separate ways too.

KEEP IN MIND:

If you have decided to keep him in your life be sure that your purpose is: you want to improve your relationship with him and you truly love each other. Some people decide to give cheaters a chance for their pride's sake. They want to get their partner back to prove to other people they aren't the woman who got fooled but the woman who made him stay - even he already cheated. If your purpose is to prove something to others, you dismissed the true meaning of love in the relationship.

Disclaimer: I am not a relationship or marriage expert. I wrote this base on research and observation of different love relationships.

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Martyrdom isn't always Heroic

By Kimberlene Ericka - 10:54:00 PM

I have witnessed people who've had toxic relationships, and it breaks my heart to just sit there and watch. BUT it is more heartbreaking if that person accuse you to be a relationship-wrecker, bitter, judgmental and what not. I might have not saved all of my friends from a toxic relationship but I might save you..

At first, they are the power couple. They were the ones spending valentines in an expensive restaurant, getaways and displaying their affection and love at social media.

Those months and first year were the best...until reality sinks in. He flirts with other girls. He doesn't have your best interests anymore. He isn't as concern as he was before. He forgets his obligations to you. He spends his time more often for himself or his friends rather than for the two of you. He always reason out that he is busy at work. He's becoming irresponsible with his duties to you or your home. He doesn't reply or answer your calls immediately. He takes you for granted. He hears you but never listens to you. He isn't honest with you. He cheated on you. He had spoken unimaginable words to you. He already left you but you begged him to come back.

All these things in your relationship but you refuse to see the reality and chose to live in a lie. And you thought you'd forget his shortcomings by spending time on expensive dates or out of town. You will obtain incomprehensible attempt to make everyone believe that you are happy in the relationship. When somebody asks about the two of you, you'd often say you guys are doing great even you're not. People in a happy relationship isn't afraid to tell you that they are having a hard time right now (may or may not be in detail) because they know it will eventually work out. If ever one of your friend sees you having a hard time in your relationship you will obsess in proving her wrong.

But is this the love relationship you ever wished for? Pretentious and heartbreaking?

NO. If it gives you more pain than love then the answer is no. Don't give me the damn excuse that relationships meant to be tested and requires a lot of hard work and understanding. A happy relationship requires TWO people that never gives up on each other. A toxic relationship requires ONE person that never gives up while the other just don't seem to care that much.

Martyrdom isn't always heroic. And becoming one isn't always something you can be proud of.

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Don't let Paranoia kill your friendship

By Kimberlene Ericka - 10:00:00 PM

True friends aren't always the one close to you.

All of us has experienced paranoia to some extents. We become suspicious or may have irrational thoughts once in a while. However, some of us don't understand that being paranoid can become a chronic problem.

We often corresponds paranoia with jealousy and insecurity. When in fact it is more than that, it is a rejection, denial and suppression of ones' self. It is the power you give to someone to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable without their intentions. People with such condition would often accuse you of being guilty of adverse actions that never occurred in the first place.

I have a friend who suffered from paranoia the past years. We were best of friends. She had to go through family issues. I wanted to be with her through her tough times but then she started isolating herself from me, from us. We lost our usual communication, but we were still connected via Facebook. Whenever I try to post anything on facebook, she would assume the worst. I tried reaching out to her but it never ended well (cat fight online). And I figured it wasn't her anymore. It was paranoia that I am dealing with. When I try to tell her happy thoughts or share my happiness to her, she would confuse it as bragging when it wasn't my intention to do so. When I try to talk about MY family, MY boyfriend, MY career she would suspect it was one of my innuendos to her. (emphasis on my because I was just pertaining to my life not anybody else's and especially not hers) I came to a point that I had to delete her on my friend's list to avoid hurting her even I didn't attempt to. That's the thing about paranoia, it claims that you are guilty and you're innocence is automatically denied. We lost a full communication for about 2 years. Now we are two civilized person that engage in group conversations, greets each other during the holidays, no more cat fights, no more hates, and no more bad mouths. I let her have the space she needs from me because it's the only way to save our friendship.

And I am proud to say I won the battle against the paranoia of my friend. From all that happened I never stopped being her friend. I am not her best friend anymore but I am still her true friend from a far. Yes, I plan to maintain this kind of friendship with her because I don't ever want to trigger anymore pain into her life.

It is easy for us to label someone as insecure when they are paranoid. But they aren't just an insecure bitch we used to think of, they are victims of an inner universe of repressed hurt and pain. They need help. And if you ever retaliate, you will lose. Because....

Paranoia is the bitch of all bitches.

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relationship

The Woman who changed him

By Kimberlene Ericka - 1:33:00 AM

(from Google)

If you are my friend you probably know how disgusted I am with cheaters. They really get into my nerves. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. I haven't had a first hand experience about this but I've got friends who did. This is a perspective from a friend of the people who got cheated on.

No matter how hateful I am to those people, we can never really put ALL the blame to them. You know from the very start that it won't work because he's non-committed. Or maybe you didn't know because you didn't take the time to know him well.

Commitment and sex should be an earned privilege not a wish simply granted.

If you give it away so easily, he won't give as much importance to it. Just as someone would give importance to an earned savings rather than a jackpot won. You must let him know how to treat you right. Teach him how worthy you are for an effort. And most of my friends mistakes were they get so attached, so needy and fearful that they might loose him---- which is a clear sign of weakness. If you let him know that he has control over you - you're dead.

The craziest thing my friend did was she tried to win back her boyfriend's attention even after he cheated. It's like telling him that you'll try to accept everything he did without even paying the consequences of it. You just made it clearer (if not clearest) to him that you have lesser value now, more than ever.

Here's the deal with that. Even he goes back to you and how much you try to win him back, you already lost him. As you probably guessed, he won't change. They won't change. No matter how badly we want to be their reason to change, it's all up to them. Despite the time you offer in the relationship, he will never make you feel secured again. And you will realize that all these for an unhappy you. Are you still willing to go through it?

If yes, I tell you now that is not love. You just want to win and become the woman who changed him. And I will tell you again and again like how many times I have told my friends, he's never gonna change. Maybe he will but not because you made him do it. After being cheated on, you can turn out to be a stronger woman or the weaker one.

We all want to be that woman who can change a man. But the truth is they are the men who changed the women.